Thursday, December 04, 2003

Whats wrong with me?

You must be wondering what I am doing here, when I am supposed to read and prepare for exam. It’s difficult to get into one of those “exam moods” after such a long gap (I didn’t appear for last two exams) and believe me, things are getting worse. I somehow managed to finish one subject after hard work of three days (read nights). Lets not talk about the number of topics I skipped. This makes me wonder how did I manage to get myself into such a mess. I had enough time to prepare. I religiously carried all my books wherever I went in last three months. I knew about exam dates well in advance. I knew how important it is for me to finish it this time, but still I am as good as blank before exam.

Looks like it is time for some introspection. Lately I have been in this habit of postponing things. Treating myself a-day-at-a-time, as if tomorrow is long way to go. I was too careless about my personal life. Not to mention that I messed up my professional priorities as well. It’s been quite some time since I am contemplating on which field I should peruse in. I have been giving myself enough time to see and decide, but still I kept delaying it. In some cases, I knew what needed to be done, and still I kept on pushing it for tomorrow. I don’t say that I was very apt since beginning, but I feel since I joined Oracle and moved to Hyderabad, things are getting worse.

Everybody said that I would get enough time to do what I like when I move away from home. It will be altogether different experience. Indeed, it is. I get to do whatever I want, whichever way I want. I get to decide what is good or bad for me, but it is not all the same. There in Mumbai, I never thought twice before getting away from people, if I didn’t get along with them. Here I don’t have my folks and I managed to be friend with very few people. So even if I can see that things are not working out, I can’t cut them off. Instead, I end up telling myself that I will have to manage with them till I am here. I am scared of being left alone. It is getting frustrating sometimes.

It’s difficult to pinpoint where things went wrong, but I think having too much time for myself made me lethargic. It could be also because of pace of this city. I have been so much used to fast pace of Mumbai, that I got myself doing so many things at the same time. Now I cant get myself to complete few essential things. Is it because of excess of time, lack of planning or am I just plain lazy?

Its high time I get my act together.